கண்கட்டு

முகட்டிலிருந்து விழுகிறேன்

முடிவில்லாமல்.

பற்றுதலுக்கேதும் கைவரவில்லை

கண்பிடுங்கும் காரிருள்

நெஞ்சடைக்கும் பேரச்சம்

காற்றாய் ஒரு கரம் கையேந்த

கடவுளோ!

கண்திறக்க முயன்று

கனவு கலைந்தெழுந்தேன்.

மெய்யாயிருந்தவை கனவெனில்

நெடுங்கனவொன்றோ இவ்வாழ்வு.

Circular to Square

This post is about an incident which happened when my kid was 3 years old. Though we tease her about it now, it is quite a traumatizing experience.

It was a Friday, I was just back home from work, made tea for my brother who was sick and his friend who came to drop him. After the friend went, i was in the kitchen with hopes for a cool, laid back weekend; suddenly my kid yelled saying that something was stuck inside her nostril. I couldn't see anything inside but she said that she was smelling camphor and it went inside. When asked where she took it from, she said it was on the TV table. 

Poor thing, my sick brother who had come to take rest, took us on bike to a nearby pediatrician who said camphor, after getting inside the lungs, would cause pneumonia which is treatable and that the child may have seizures. The word "seizure" almost gave me one. He said, "You can admit the child at SRMC or Apollo for observation in the night, if only you are worried. Nothing to panic".  We would never take a chance and decided to take her to SRMC. My husband joined us in the cab on the way and the poor child was crying throughout. 

In SRMC Emergency section, after us explaining the situation, the doctors asked me and my husband to be out of the treatment room while only her aunt was inside. With some medical instrument resembling tongs, they had pulled the camphor tablet out. We were so relieved that we were out of our minds; did not even thank the doctor.

Camphor tablets, usually, are kept safely in a plastic box inside the pooja room. We do not know how it came near the TV. Though nothing critical happened, the experience was too traumatizing. 

Even in this unfortunate experience, two funny things happened (though we did not find them funny then). That was a phase in which my kid would call me "பாப்பா" (baby) whenever she was in a loving mood. When we were returning from the local pediatrician on bike, i was crying. She said, "பாப்பா, அழாத பாப்பா.. அங்க பாரு மாடு..." (Baby, don't cry. See there is a cow). Trying to console me even when she was freaked out, my dear little squishy devil..  

The next one was at SRMC. The camphor was pulled out with a doctor having the kid on her lap. As soon as the tablet was pulled out, the kid had urinated on the doctor. Poor doctor! We did not thank or apologize to the doctors, we were so much out of our minds then!

Raising a kid is such a tedious task. Even a small mistake due to lack of attention may result in a traumatic incident as this which gave me sleepless nights and disturbed, preoccupied days at work. But still, we are humans, with all our imperfections. With a toddler at home, we have to think twice before taking even a step perhaps!

"So, how is the title of this post related to the incident?", I got you. We switched to square camphor tablets instead of circular ones! And those are much bigger than my kid's nasal opening!

When we turned mid-wives!

Reading some of my first blog posts makes me wonder how do i forget these? However hard i try, i cannot recall the situations or my thinking design when i penned them down. Makes me kind of feel that the person who had written it isn't (or is no longer) me! 

I wanted to archive this incident; it is very interesting and emotional that i do not want to forget it at all. Even if i do, i have this post to remind me!

This happened in the beginning of April'19. I fed my toddler lunch and just put her to sleep for afternoon siesta. My mother in law said, "See, a cow has given birth in front of the entrance!". Having not seen any natural birth in person, I was curious. When i went out, the mother had given birth, the calf was partially en-caul and the hind was still inside the mother. 

The three of us - myself, my mother in law and sister in law were clueless as to how to help the mother and offspring. We frantically googled for vets nearby and could not reach any. The calf was breathing inside the sac; it was alarming to see its breathing pattern change (or so I thought). But we were not sure of helping the calf by peeling the membrane off its face since its hind was still inside ("Maybe the mother thinks we are harming her child and gives us a kick on face!" was my thought). However, by God's grace the calf was expelled fully from the mother after some time. 

Now, my sister in law diverted the mother by offering her water in a bucket. The calf was lying on the ground, motionless. I do not understand what got into me, I bent down and peeled the membrane off the calf's face chanting God's name. I could feel blood rush into my head, hands shivering, heart pounding in its full speed etc. It was a micro-palpitation. That was "real" adrenaline rush I must say. The calf mooed "maaa" - it was the most re-assuring, soothing sound next to my daughter's first wail. The mother licked the calf clean and to our astonishment, ate the membrane fully. The calf struggled,got up and started staggering around a car. The new mother, who was still bleeding and seemed weak, was spared any rest; she started following her little one in his stagger. Motherhood, the force which makes lives go round in cycles - it strengthens and weakens too; affects a mother in conflicting ways. We offered the mother some brinjals, broad beans and pearl millet (கம்பு | kambu in Tamil). The calf tried to start feeding but could not latch properly. Later, the person raising the cow came, tied the calf to a bicycle carrier and made the cow walk to their place. 

The feeling of having helped a tender life and the one who nurtured it inside her - it was divine to say the least. Words fall short to express that emotion. We too felt motherly towards the calf. How would doctors feel each time they save a life! Isn't their's a blessed profession! To save lives! To alleviate pain! That would be the most sacred and divine feeling!

The new life which came out, the one which held it inside her, our intention to help them - these i felt, are God! World would be a better place if we all try to see ourselves at least, if not God, in everyone around us!

Ending this post with a gif of the mother and the baby in their cuddly moments; excuse the shaky visual, the video was shot by kids, human kids i mean!

வாழ்க்கை என்பதேது?

பேரிருள் பெருங்காட்டில்
கண்கட்டுப் பயணமோ...
நீர்பாரித்த கண்ணாடியில்
பிம்பங்கள் கோர்வையோ...

பேருந்துக் கூட்டத்தில்
கண்சிரிக்கும் மழலையோ...
கன்னிகுழல் பூவாசம்
கவர்ந்துவரும் தென்றலோ...

தாவரத்தின் மணிமுடியாய்
பெருமைகொள் மலரோ...
பேரிடியும் மின்னலுமாய்
ஆடும் ஆங்கார மழையோ...

இரவினிலே நிலவொளியில்
கேட்ட திரைப்பாடலோ...
இரைக்கிரந்து வாலாட்டும்
வீதி வாழ் நாய்களோ...

இதெல்லாம் உண்டாயினும்
இதேதுமல்லாதிருப்பதோ...

பதிலற்ற கேள்விகளாய்
முடிவற்ற சிறு குகையாய்
அடியில்லா ஆழியாய்
பிறப்பென்றும் இறப்பென்றும்
இயற்கை ஆட்டுவிக்கும்
கண்ணாமூச்சி ஆட்டமே
வாழ்க்கை

இதில்
உயர்வு தாழ்வு
வெற்றி தோல்வி
நான் நீ அவன் அது
என்பதேது..

வெவ்வேறு அச்சுகளுள்
ஊற்றிய ஒரே மெழுகே
வையகத்து உயிரெல்லாம்..

Random thoughts - Death, as in movies

Animation movies look perfect to me. I find most regular movies (in which humans act) silly or funny (inadvertently); there are exceptions of course. But animation movies seem flawless. The attractive color scheme, the depth of expression in the animated characters and the light hearted, feel good demeanour amuse me perhaps.

Image source : https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/9/98/Coco_%282017_film%29_poster.jpg

Recently I watched this movie "Coco" on TV.  It depicts how death is viewed in Mexican culture, woven into the story of a boy named Miguel. He is born in a family which abhors music, but wants to be a musician. Miguel enters the land of the dead by mistake and needs one of his his dead relative's blessing to return. His great grandma Imelda agrees to bless, but on the condition that he abandons his musical interest. This makes Miguel flee from them to find his great grandfather Ernesto De La Cruz who was a popular musician when he was alive. Ernesto had given up his family to pursue his dream of becoming the most popular musician in Mexico (hence the family detests music). Hector, another deceased offers to help Miguel find Ernesto. With my knowledge of what a screenplay is, this movie has a fabulous one with some twists and a revelation at the end. Being a movie about musicians, it is a great musical too. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie and would strongly recommend you to watch it. Haven't given any spoiler! But my toddler, who usually enjoys animation movies, seemed uninterested; maybe because of the dark color tone. 

Now coming to the perception of death in Mexican culture, the dead people enter another realm of existence - the land of the dead (The dead being skull faced helps us differentiate them from living people in the movie). The memories about them in living people are necessary for them to live in the land of the dead. As these memories of the dead fade in the living people, the dead person enters another realm about which no one has any knowledge. 

The dead get to visit their living family once in a year, in a night called Día de Muertos, the night of the dead.  The living family has to put a picture of their deceased relative on the family Offrenda (an altar in which offerings to the dead are made) enabling their visit on the night of the dead. The filmmaker had beautifully documented this facet of Mexican culture.

The conception of death in this movie was thought provoking. Death is not an end. It is just a transcendence to another plane or realm of existence where one's life is fueled by his / her memories in the inhabitants of the physical world. Quite a fascinating thought! This may motivate people to value relationships when alive perhaps. To not lose the memories of a deceased one, living people place pictures of the dead in an altar enabling them to visit the physical world one night of a year. This will make the living ones to ruminate the legacy their deceased family had left.

In Tamil cinema, death would usually evoke pity or  melancholy. Or the movie would be of some crass (and/or) spooky ghost or re-birth for revenge types. A new genre of பேய் காமெடி (ghost comedy) has been beat to pulp as well. The movies நான் கடவுள் ("Naan Kadavul" meaning "I am God") and இரண்டாம் உலகம் ("Irandaam Ulagam" meaning "Next world") gave different perspectives. The first movie was about an Agori saint who was abandoned by his family as a boy. He grows to be a bold, fearless saint at Kaasi and is sent back to his family by his Guru. He says "Death is the punishment given to those who don't deserve to live. It is a boon to those who cannot live". The latter is a movie about a man who kills himself after the unexpected death of his love. He transcends to a parallel world where he finds himself and his love. These two movies are of the must watch type, far away from cliched themes.

Death - it is intriguing because of the mystique it holds. What happens then? Where were we before birth? Do the dead come back? Nobody knows. At least normal people like us don't. We happily enjoy worldly pleasures and sulk or cry for sad events fantasizing that we and our life are permanent. This is easier said than realized. Death can be viewed as an ultimate truth to which all of us are bound to return. For normal people like us, death can be a teacher, a huge and humbling teacher. The rich or poor, men or women, influential or powerless - everyone has to answer this mighty master. It teaches us not to take anything or even ourselves seriously.
It can help us take decisions too when confused. "Will this decision or action add any happiness when i depart?" is a question we need to ask ourselves when confused or aggressive. "This is just a phase before my departure" is an assurance we need to give ourselves when low. This way the sense of self is subdued; hence making our life a little more pleasant. Many of us do understand the theory of this but practically to apply in our life is far from easy. At least trying to do so would make us better persons. 

மெய்த்திருப்பது எதுவோ

நில்லாது நிலையாது
ஓடும் வாழ்வினிலே
காலம் கடந்திடினும்
மாறிலியாய் இருப்பதென்னவோ...

அன்பு, புகழ், செல்வம் என
எல்லாமே மாறுகையில் - எதும்
மாறாதிருக்க வேட்கை கொள்ளல்
நீர்க்குமிழியில் நிரந்தரம் நாடுதலே.

எல்லாம் நீர்க்குமிழியெனில்
எதுவும் மாறுமெனில்
மெய்த்திருப்பதெதுவோ?
மெய்யென்றொன்றுண்டோ?

நீரில் எழுந்து உடையும் வரை
குமிழி மெய் தானே...

இல்லாதிருந்தபின் எழுந்து
பின் உடைந்து இல்லாததாகும்
குமிழி - அது வாழும் வரை
மெய்யன்றோ

உணர்ச்சி உறவு உடமைதனில்
மாறிலிகள் தேடாமல்
கிட்டும் நேரமே அது மெய்யென்று
தாமரையில் தண்ணீராய் இன்புற்று வாழ்ந்திடுவோம்...

Random thoughts - Who am I?

Hi all :) 

Disclaimer : This post is very abstract; not intended to make you feel sleepy, bored or leave you feeling "meh". If so, heartfelt apologies ;)

Let me ask you to name something that you feel is your identity, something that defines you as a person. Different answers - "thoughtful", "teacher", "optimist", "independent", "funny", "leader", "beautiful" etc are possible. The answers depend on what a person feels about oneself, what is that striking characteristic in him / her that overpowers the rest. 

Do you hold on to that trait all the time?

Mostly no.

Then, is that your identity? Does that define you?

What if you get rid of that trait?

Will you not survive? 

Sure you will. 

Then, is that your identity? Does that define you?

Before you tag this post philosophical or spiritual, let me clarify that am trying to figure this out at a very worldly level. Say for instance, a very fun loving person cracking up jokes all the time decides not to be funny all of a sudden. She / He will surely live. Whether not being funny affects the person at an emotional level? Sure yes, but that will dissipate as time flies. I had always felt that having a professional front, being a teacher especially is my identity. But situations needed me to quit work. I was too apprehensive and was brooding over it for more than a year. Got immense clarity of what is to be done in a magical two weeks and with that, i submitted my resignation. I still live and happily too (though i miss the reciprocation from students and small talks with peers). 

Nothing in this world "defines" a person. The traits we possess are those which we acquire over time to adapt to the situations we face. Situations change, so do our 'traits'. So to repeatedly stress over the absence of something in you, is not necessary. And it is not that you cannot be _____ at all. An eminent psychiatrist says that any particular characteristic of a person can be changed, it is just a matter of the person's willingness, time and environment. 

Never stress over that which you are not. Just walk towards it and you become that one day, eventually.